Removing negative posts pertaining to my emotions because I feel that like my emotions, they should be temporary and forgotten after a certain amount of time. Actions based on emotions are just not worth it
I will remember the kisses, our lips raw with love and how you gave me everything you had and how I offered you what was left of me, and I will remember your small room the feel of you, the light in the window your records, your books, our morning coffee our noons, our nights our bodies spilled together sleeping the tiny flowing currents, immediate and forever your leg, my leg, your arm, my arm your smile and the warmth of you who made me laugh again
There is no mystery to happiness. Unhappy men are all alike. Some wound they suffered long ago, some wish denied, some blow to pride, some kindling spark of love put out by scorn - or worse, indifference - cleaves to them, or they to it, and so they live each day within a shroud of yesterdays. The happy man does not look back. He doesn’t look ahead. He lives in the present.
But there’s the rub. The present can never deliver one thing: meaning. The ways of happiness and meaning are not the same. To find happiness, a man need only live in the moment; he need only live for the moment.
But if he wants meaning - the meaning of his dreams, his secrets, his life - a man must reinhabit his past, however dark, and live for the future, however uncertain. Thus, nature dangles happiness and meaning before us all, insisting only that we choose between them.
I have honestly been thinking about it, about what you said that day. That I don’t belong to anyone and no matter how hard you tried, it didn’t seem to work. All I have to say in my defense is that you’re not me, you don’t know what I feel and you don’t know what worked or not. But it’s fine now and your part of the story is closed.
In addition, I’ve been thinking about love generally. And how it shouldn’t be subjective to any gender. I’m not going to bother to lift a finger to find another person, I’m not going to put in effort to force anything - what will come will come. I’ve found that currently, I’m beyond trying for anything. I’ll only put in the effort if I see anything worth chasing for or worth giving in to. Who knows maybe I might already know the person, or maybe I’ll meet someone new.
I think it might be starting to be a habit but good or bad I cannot say yet. Since you left which is 1+1/2 - 2 days, I have already bought a number of 14 new books and am already finishing one. Surrounding myself with them keeps me sane at least, they give me a homely sense of feeling like you’re still with me, like you’ve never left at all. I must say that so far this seems to be working, I’ve always loved reading anyway, but now the intensity seems to have multiplied by 10 times or more.
I won’t deny that I miss you, I do a lot. The fact that I’m never able to touch you or even be near to you again pains me so badly. I will give my devotion, love and time to books until someone else comes to thoroughly purge you out of my system and worthy enough to replace your stature and significance to me.
Until then, each day will serve as a reminder but also a coping mechanism to push me on in life and also away from you. But I loved you most definitely.