And I wish I could give you enough courage for you to accept and understand that what they see and how they see it shouldn’t be what affects us at all. But I understand where you’re coming from, but in moments like this, I just wish differently.
It’s not fair. Never was, never will be. The moon, the greatest secret treasurer of all. For ages it has seen and for ages it has cultivated such profound wisdom; in all its masterful sight, it has become an ally. The moon sees every story, though when it was younger, it might not have understood. But it understands now: every heartbreak and reconciliation, every incident that warranted a crying period, the deaths that were shocking - that came as they were from the hands of young children it had seen growing up - the experiences and the pain that have moulded them. The moon was and is omnipotent, it wishes it has a voice loud enough to remind the lonely souls that it can see their other halves searching for them too. Whether you’re in Paris, Dublin, London, New York, Amsterdam or Singapore, the moon is the one and the same. It watches, it waits. It will never forget. And everyday passes with it always listening, always learning.
I want an apartment with a high ceiling and a wooden floor with a low bed with lovely white sheets. I want that one window that bridges the sunlight and the fresh outside air to connect with the tangibility of physical affection that one might show when one loves another. I want a basket full of happiness - puppies of all sorts that yelp and have eyes so warm that you might melt when you see them. I want a singular moment that might be able to fulfill a few paragraphs in the poem 'Raw with Love' written by Charles Bukowski. I want the outside deck with the walkway connecting the room to the poolside, I want the shelves and shelves of books that will push you into a labyrinth where all time will be forgotten, non-existent. I want you and the warmth of your body to lurk behind the shadows of nightmares and fears that I have and surprise them by shining so brightly with your ridiculous genius moments of madness. I want
Today I promise you and myself that whether or not I question your fidelity based on any assumptions whatsoever, that I don’t care anymore. If you want to hurt me you’re allowed to, and if you want to do whatever you want and put anything else before or above, you can; I have stepped two times into this and I am prepared to dive or drown, whichever you want to happen to me. Know that I’m not going to leave or walk away, my suitcases are far from packed.
Sophie is an entirely different person. But I want to love you till I explode into a million tiny fragments that we have to search the entire world to piece back together.
I have forgotten your grin, your touch, your kisses, your concern, the way I should remember how your eyes have sparkled with the atrocity of mischief; everything feels so alien and distant, and they should be, because all I have left are just inconsistent memories that cannot be chronologically arranged as they should be in the correct order. You have been replaced, reorganized, pushed away, pushed back and out and your flame has flickered and died out.
The one standing moment that I can remember, is the one that I have always kept going back to in December. Absence makes the heart forget.
The way I see it, everything is a blank state, an empty wall, a face you can’t read and one big twisted poker game that you cannot win. The tearing down of strongholds and masks is never easy. We look from afar and we assume that everything we see isn’t true. We look for hidden intentions, motivated to search for what is false. Fabricated lies always make for a good enough story. The way you start to put your faith in the imagination of something that doesn’t exist, something intangible - the first step to bringing yourself down or pushing yourself forward.
In all their minds, there are so many little worlds, many things we do not understand, many things that we have yet to believe in, many things that we do not want happening in the created universe of our own. I look at the people on the streets and I’m curious to know of their worried rushed actions that might portray a broken heart with a tortured soul, or is it just because we all occupy ourselves to escape what truly matters? Love is a force that can push people to drastic measures. Anger can be temporary, love permanent but the opposite of love is indifference, and I cannot be indifferent.
I revisit this place in my mind over again and again. I try to grab the right words and put them into the right phrases for them to sound even soundly correct to you. It’s obvious the quiet has finally found a good companion for it to spend the day with. I wanted to buy the perfect leather notebook to write down the observations that I make everyday, the names that strangers would be getting and the jumbled up and intangible mess of thoughts that run me down. It is fine if you cannot enter into this world that I’ve created for myself so meticulously - experience by experience, thought by thought, pain fragment by pain fragment, word by word, observation by observation; it is fine if you can’t even accept it. I am in love. This is the place where I go to where I can’t be hurt. I’ll write you a story, a poem, anything that you want.
'I don't care what people think. I fell in love with you. Not people.'
You are now a regular. You are now a rent free occupant in my mind. You are now smoke that refuses to dissipate and leave. You are now the delicate memories that I will wove everyday. You are now a hidden angel that I will not withstand or resist. You are now whoever you really are and whoever you want to be in front of me. You are now the lingering sensation of sweet nights and crazy infected actions. You are now what will be important and everything that I will protect and defend. You are now the thought that lasts throughout the day that stands victorious over all others.
I’m all for the moments of impact experiences. For as much as I can remember I’ve been getting saved day by day recently and experiencing a very abundant quantity of moments of impact. It is a huge change to come out from a once withering sadness to step into the giant spotlight of positiveness, it definitely feels different. I promise you that I’m going to give you everything until whatever I can give is spent.
In the quiet hours late at night I’ve been thrown several life buoys for days counting now and every single day, even if I refuse to grab onto and get saved by the actions that are positioned to save me, they still come anyway. You have no idea the immensity of the gratitude for you that I have kept secret from you. That is, until now. In the course of two days weirdly infested with roller coaster rides on emotions - the result of pure joy, innocent love and bitter conflict, I must apologize for being difficult for not being so overly happy at the idea of conversation with strangers that otherwise appear as your friends. But that matter is closed, it isn’t important anymore.
Right now there are two extremely difficult and different poles to be at. One being an overly emotional being brimming with the overkill joy from recent days and the other is the overrated detached mentality that takes the form of slow shuffling feet being dragged on pavement.
We’re in a reasonable happy middle, so I like to think that we’ve achieved sage level on zen mode. In a world personally created out of imagination by myself, a safe space to lurk in and shut everyone out, there is no certainty that you won’t be dragged in too. Angels alike or not, dreamy, delicate, soft-spoken ladies there will always be, but there’s only one you. There will be beautiful stories made for and created by us.
I think it’s time to agree that we can’t selectively choose what we want or not to let affect us. Maybe I’ve been swimming in the memories that we had together for far too long that even though the waters have turned murky and dangerous, they have had at a point of time, made me feel that it was okay for the drowning and trying to stay afloat to continue on and on.
And maybe I did wanted that to happen before I could admit to myself that it wasn’t healthy to want to stay in an inspiring sadness or the haunting presence of a shadow rather than the actual substance of another being.
They were probably right. But I didn’t actually say I needed someone to save me until now. And oh the speed of the save.
Spent almost three full days with a certain someone to come to the conclusion that I’ve been missing the start of a new beginning for way too long. I don’t really care much what you think anymore Sops, you’re there and I’m here. Why don’t you cut yourself some slack and find someone to have a new beginning with too, oh I’m sure it’s nothing too difficult for one as wise as you are.